The Bastard File

I used to be embarrassed in shop class when the teacher talked about using bastard files. That sort of language was discouraged at home. I was careful not to use it in front of my mother.

Bless her, she is long gone. I am free to express myself when I edit pictures on the computer. And I do. Sometimes the family are scandalised and I have noted the occasionally the wife closes the door on the computer room when I am working in there. I just wish she wouldn't wedge it shut with a hammer...

Bastard files come in several varieties:

1: The ones that have a dynamic range of 56 stops. The low tones are so low that you can see nothing and the high tones are so high that you can see nothing. Eventually you lose interest and stop looking.

2: The noise traps. No matter what setting you have dialled into the camera these files have electronic noise. In the low tones, in the high tones, in the margin. Even the Exif data is speckled and grey. They look like someone has dropped them onto the floor and rolled them in kitty litter.

3: The Walking Dead. Files that have so little character or substance that the most attractive portions of them are the chromatic aberration. Many of them have been made using Big Stopper filters and many of them have been made by elderly Frenchmen.

4: The Fun House. Files so distorted that they could feature in a parliamentary enquiry. That lens that you bought at the Camera Mart for the low price was being sold for a very good reason...

5: The files that are supplied in the 18.5 - bit HOOTx format. This is a format devised by a graduate student in Nebraska that was briefly thrown out as freeware on the net in 1998 for a week. Before the narcs got to him. It surfaces like a dying Soviet submarine every few years and some fool converts normal digital data to it. and then throws away the normal digital data. No known program actually decodes it but once the files get into your drive they can never be removed.

6: The files that are all watermark. No actual image but entirely safe.

7: Commercial traps. The file that contains an opposing product to the one that you are trying to advertise. The kind of photo-bombng that spreads radiation.

8: Private traps. The thumb drive o' death that your mate gives you. Plug it in at your peril, but be warned that your mate has nursed a grievance against you for a long time and this may well be the opportunity to revenge it.

You must understand that none of this ever happened in the dear old days of film photography. We were pure and simple and never had fungus on our lenses. And none of our negative files ever got wet an smelly and mouldy. Wanna see some of my unicorn pictures?

As Simple As It Gets

If you are a keen enthusiastic photographer who wants to know all the possible permutations of lens/camera/computer/tripod/boom arm/studio light/cut lunch as it applies to post-modern iconic parameters of existential thought, rack off.

I am addressing myself to today to people who want to take pictures and see them easily - good pictures of real life.

1. Get a Fuji X 100s. Or another Fuji camera - the X-A1, X-M1, X-Pro1, etc. Suit yourself if you'd like a zoom lens or removable lenses, or are happy with a perfect fixed focal length. I'm happy with the 23mm lens on the X100s camera - it equates to a 35mm lens on an older film camera and that just about sees the world the way I see it when I am just looking.

The X 100s is the kind of camera that you really CAN put on automatic - in this case by turning the aperture and shutter rings to 'A' and leaving the auto focus switch to AF-S. If you've asked it to adjust the ISO itself, all you need to do is look through the viewfinder and press the button. I do this when I am on holiday, and am rewarded with perfect records of what i have seen - and I am amazed that the camera sees it the same way. I can go into an art gallery to admire the paintings and when allowed to take photos, the photos look like the paintings. It copes with whatever the galleries come up with for lighting.

2. Get a Mac. If you haven't got a computer yet, get an Apple laptop or iMac. The people in Apple shops are helpful. They know their product.

If you are already using a Windows PC, carry on. Your comfort and skill with it will help you to succeed.

3. Get Photoshop Elements 12. I bang on about this program a lot because I have used PE  programs for years - all the way from PE 3. I am not a computer wizard, and do not need to be - the Adobe people have made the Photoshop Elements programs easy to understand and easy to remember. I started out doing things using pictograms to help me and have advanced to using keyboard shortcuts - the thing just flies along.

Here's a couple of examples of easy shooting last Saturday at Big Al's Poker Run. It is just what I saw and just what I want to remember. You can get on board with these products too - right now.

Avast There Ye Lubbers!

The International Talk Like A Pirate day came and went last year and we arrrred for all we were worth. In some cases it was about 56¢ worth...but it was a good day to celebrate slavery, murder, and theft on the high seas. The rum was particularly refreshing after the pillaging.

Being a pillager is fun, and profitable. Being a pillagee sucks. This is why the music producers make such an effort to seize pirated copies of their CDs and other recorded pieces of music and prosecute the offenders. I remember seeing television footage of thousands of discs being crushed under a front-end loader somewhere in Siam or the Dutch East Indies with the officers of the local militia standing around shaking hands for the camera.

 I couldn't help wondering if they would have had a more effective message had they substituted the local sellers of the discs under the wheels of the loader. Or a few of the  tourists who keep the trade alive by buying them.

In the photo world piracy seems to be expressed in two ways; stealing images off the net and displaying them on your own website and swarming through the studio windows of your local business rival with a knife between your teeth. Both are bad, but the first one particularly so - bloodshed is something that can be cleaned up with a mop and bucket but stolen images are on the net FOREVER. And ask as you might, it is nearly impossible to find someone who can remove them. Once your rival steals your picture of mysterious gunman on the grassy knoll, you will never get the credit you deserve.

How to combat this sort of thing? The studio invasion is easy - a small swivel gun loaded with langridge and trained on the window is cheap and simple insurance. Okay, you may have to replace the glass and repaint the wall a couple of times but your average pirate will get the message quickly. The website thefts are another matter.

Watermarking, copyrighting, studio advertising, outright defacement, all serve to make an image unattractive to pirates. They also make it unattractive to clients. You can do a number of computer tricks that make it awkward to try to download something but eventually a client will roast you for making it difficult to do. And eventually every computer command system ages or breaks down - my Pong game is getting problematical.
Then YOU can't download, upload, or control it. And it lurches away forever telling people what a klutz you are. If you don't believe me look at all the computer sites that went feral in 2004 and are still there...

The safest way to present your work is still in print form, in a steel frame, with a strong chain attached to the edge of the frame. Hold on to one end of the chain with one hand and a cutlass with the other hand. Arrrrrr....

Who she? The fabulous Cap'n Jane. Curviest buccaneer in the Caribbean.

The Annual Leap Of Faith

Spring is here, the grass is riz. I wonder where the annual update to Photoshop Elements is...

Ah, It's on the net. Just announced today in fact. I daresay we'll get some boxed sets of them fairly shortly...but don't ring me up this morning to ask when because I don't know.
Suffice it to say that if you are banging out your work on an older version, this might be a good investment.

I fit into the banging away category - I started my digital adolescence with the Elements 3 version - got free with a scaner. Then I bought Elements 6, and eventually went to Elements 10. Each one was separated far enough in generation to encompass real improvements while retaining most of the useful features of the past.

Note that I said " most " - in between 6 and 10 they ditched some paste-in graphics that they considered tired. In reality they were useful - I am going to go back and capture them and store them for future use. You can never tell when you'll need a Drum Majorette's cap to put onto a bridesmaid...

The new Photoshop Elements 12 seems to have additional features that move items in the picture and then fill in the backdrop behind them. Very useful for street and event photography. There is also an improvement to the straighten tool that settles the horizon and then fills in the little wedge-shaped blank areas at the side with similar content to the main subject.

I am also looking forward to an automatic colour correct that has the capability to learn your preferences and to slap it on at a click. I hope to use other plug-ins to custom craft a look that I can teach to the Photoshop Elements 12 - then I'll just go straight to it for a 50's look. You can do that with the plug-ins now but you are bouncing back and forward to do it. One stop shop is the go.

Is this program prestigious and complex enough for your photographic business? If you need prestige and complexity to sell your services go for the full PS6 Cloud and add a host of special layers and curves and extra operations. The clients will notice, or not, as the case may be...Make sure you tell them about how you spend hours at the computer hand-crafting their images.

Make sure they don't ever get to see what your editing desktop really looks like. Coffee cup rings on your laptop never look good. Especially when they are on the screen...