Switch It Off - Switch It On

I can never do that business where you switch off the computer and then switch it on again to solve a crash or other issue without thinking that there is some sort of fraud going on.

Either the computer is playing with me, or the software writer has dug a tiger pit in the programming, or I am the fraud. I am grateful when the thing powers up and comes back to the same place I left it, but there is still that nagging suspicion that something is dreadfully wrong.

I see the same thing occasionally with cameras that are brought to the repairs department. The user has discovered some pattern of commands that bamfoozle the camera and cause it to lock up - sometimes these are resolvable by the switchoffswitchon method and sometimes they are not. Our techs can deal with it but sometimes even they are left waiting - as the exact combination of confused commands that push the electronic signals out of their normal channels may be difficult to reproduce.

And occasionally the manufacturers issue their firmware updates and coyly refer to the previous problem being completely resolved. I suppose we should be grateful that they are willing to keep thinking about the electronic programming after the product leaves the factory. In the case of the Fuji people they recently issued an update for a 2011 camera that makes it a delight to use. They didn't have to but they did. Thank you.

Is this sort of computer behaviour a real barrier to success? Only if you are trying to control the flight of a guided missile. Switch off and switch on just as you are about to hit the target would be a bummer, particularly if the target is frantically sending out go-away signals itself. It might also be a difficulty if one was trying to control a drone camera platform over enemy territory or the nurse's sunbathing lawn.

For the time being I will accept the thing - it might happen once every three months with the studio computer when I start to get too clever and pile on too many commands at once. It might just be the computer looking at my images and expressing a critical opinion...

Musket Drill

Every infantryman knows the term "manual of arms". It is the ritualised instruction and actions that enable him to operate his weapon in battle.

 In the days of the arquebus, musket, and rifled musket these actions were taken in concert with others in a line - the whole effort was intended to produce a smoothly and rapidly operating apparatus of death that could be rolled over opponents. The manual was generally done standing up, and it was worth learning as armies that were good at it got to go home  at the end of the day - still standing up.

It would be well if the photographer who will be in a similar situation could apply the same discipline. First learn what can be done, then learn how best to do it efficiently, then practise this operation until it becomes automatic. It might not be a good idea to roll death down on the average wedding or school sports carnival but the idea of efficiency can never go amiss.

This means going into battle...err...wedding...knowing that the camera is set to the correct WB and ISO and knowing WHY you have chosen those values. Knowing that the lens is the right one for what you do, and if you use flash knowing that the flash has fresh batteries. (And knowing that you have another flash with fresh batteries literally within arm's reach...) Knowing how you will hold the camera for each shot - and that means long practise on the drill field for each posture. Doing professional work while balanced on a bucket is all very well but leave it for acrobats at the Moscow Circus.

It means knowing what to shoot and when to shoot and being in the right place to shoot. No sense peering round a rock in the middle of the church - face the enemy squarely and shoot to your front. Wait, that could have been put better...actually, no, it couldn't.

If changes are needed - putting up ladder sights on the battlefield or altering the WB or ISO in the photo shoot, know where the alteration will take you.

And in the end, when it is all over, remember that no prudent infantryman goes asleep with a fouled musket - and no good event photographer tosses the camera bag into the corner and expects to download or upload the next day. If it needs doing, do it now and do it yourself.

Hold That Pose. Bwa-hahaha...

It has often been said that the prime difference between a hero and a traitor lies in who he harms - his enemies or his friends. So it is with the portrait photographer, except that in some cases since he has no friends, he cannot be a traitor.

I can hear the hackles rising in a number of Perth studios as this is being read - I hasten to add that you are entirely innocent of any charges. All your images are symphonies of empathy and elegance. And well worth the money...in fact you should really double the prices to uphold the honour of the profession. It's those OTHER studios that are full of scoundrels.

For the amateur photographer the idea of faithfully and accurately portraying the appearance of their sitter should be paramount. If they have wrinkles, light the wrinkles with a strong cross strobe light. If they have a misshapen nose, show this clearly - it is dishonest to disguise it. Likewise use broad lighting on broad faces and short lighting on thin faces. Babies are small - tower over them to reinforce this in the picture. Remember that small apertures and enhanced contrast makes for clear portraits - when in doubt, sharpen it up.

Let's face it - you aren't getting paid so there is no sense pandering to them, now is there.

If you get sitter towards whom you bear a grudge the game can become altogether more fun. Bad complexions are best treated with sympathy -and monochrome rendition. A green filter and that cross lighting will make a picture worthy of a text book. If your sitter fails to cooperate with your reasonable direction in the studio, shoot anyway and be sure to  look for images with one eye closed or something dangling. It doesn't matter what dangles from where - the eyes of the viewer will never leave that portion of the photo.

Of course you are going to get complaints but this is your chance to educate the public. They may want to see themselves with smooth skin or a full head of hair or an athletic body, but you are just a photographer - not a miracle worker. Urge them to face the horrid truth. In the end if you talk fast enough you may be able to create a new art form. And that will give you time to escape.

Ask Us How You Can Get A Stick For Your Own Back

And not just any old stick - a good big heavy one that will punish you severely. No use being delicate about it - when you want to be unhappy, we can sell you the right gear.

In case you have raised your eyebrows at this, consider the specifications that are quoted for big modern professional cameras - I mean how many shots per second they go on continuous firing. 5, 6,...9 frames per second. The sort of thing that pro's used to dream of with big motor drives and 250-shot backs. You used to see these accessories on the advertisements along with the bellows units and the 1200mm lenses. No-one i ever met bought them but everyone knew that professionals used them...

Well now the whole wide world can blast away at 5 fps whenever they need to just barely fail to capture the moment. Whole libraries can be filled with successive images of people almost hitting the ball and nearly getting to the peak moment of the ballet step. This is the big stick I mentioned - the back is when you commit all these to your hard drive and then cannot bring yourself to realise that the rotten thing did not work and to throw the images out.

No-one ever admits to hoarding the failures - but we all do it. That is what keeps Western Digital, LaCie, and Drobo in business. We fill the image hopper and turn the valve off on the bottom.

Resolved for 2014: To go through the library and finally admit that the ones that did not work did not work. They are not going to get better sitting there using up 1's and 0's that could be better spent. Clean out the continuous-fire flops.

And make room for more...

Prop Me Up In The Corner And Hand Me My Camera

A few months back one of the piles of discarded props at the studio shifted and collapsed on the cleaning woman. Poor thing - she had a family. One day we'll have to clear the pile and send them whatever we find under it. Closure, you understand...

Studio props are like that. People give them to you ( " Oh this will be perfect for the next time you shoot Minoan snake goddesses...careful, he bites...") and you buy them and you find them on the side of the road on verge day. Some are sold by IKEA in flat packs for $ 99 and some are sold by antique shops for thousands...but none of them ever go away.

Pretty soon you have a shooting areas that occupies 30% of the studio and a prop storage area that occupies 60% - leaving 10% for the toilet and the coffee machine. Be careful when you flush. At some stage of the game you need to thin out the herd.

I tried sales - that worked for a while and some of the more spectacular bits left. Then I tried give-aways and that got rid of the plastic palm trees. and the Roman columns. Finally I resorted to drive-buy dumping. I can never go back to Government House ever again in case they review the video...

In the end I hope to be left with enough to enhance the natural beauty of my lovely subjects. Or disguise the features of all the rest. To that end I have retained the hats, gloves, and jewellery for the former, and two dressing-room screens for the latter - two in case one falls over.

Heading image: the lovely Emmy-Lou Korsett before her rampage on the road.

Fuji Yet Again - Hey, Justin!

The Model Garage is a small gas station in Wet Dog, Alberta that plays host to lot of Central Alberta's hot rodders. Actually you can read that as farm rodders, as this section of the province gets a lot of specials that are built locally - as well as visitors from Calgary and Edmonton. It isn't that far from Ponoka so Edmonton people can call in on their way down to visit their folks...

Recent visitors to the Model were a couple of hot Fords. I wouldn't give you 2¢ to ride far in the '37 but the '36 is a nice highway cruiser. I suppose you could use the '37 to cruise up and down the paved street in Wet Dog in front of Craig's Malt Shop but that's about all.

In any case, for those of you interested in the technical details, the camera used was a Fuji X100. Flash lighting.

The Inundation

There are few books available in the photographic press that actually prepare you for doing studio photography the way it is really done. Oh, there are Amphoto books and Petersen books that show lighting setups and tit shows and how to write up a contract to a New York advertising agency, but none of them ever cover the actual business of going into your studio on Christmas morning and discovering it to be an inch deep in water.

The studio windows streaming condensation from the inside were the first clue. Opening the door to the vista of Lake Huron was the second.

I dived for the property line in an effort to locate the main water supply tap. Once that was off, the electric mains was off. and then i donned my Lloyd Bridges' gear and stepped inside. A hot water hose to the studio washing machine had burst in the night.

At this point of time I must record my relief that I had purchased Manfrotto Autopoles to hold up my Superior paper rolls, Manfrotto light stands to hold up my Elinchrom mono-block flashes, and cheap IKEA cabinets on little legs. Most of the expensive stuff was well above the water line. I lost about a metre of paper that was touching the ground and that was about it.

Further knowledge gained: Christmas day is lonely - everyone is elsewhere, so if you are in trouble, it is YOUR trouble. Grain shovels make an admirable way to throw water out a door. Hard tile floors in studios are wonderful. You can get a floor really, really clean if you need to. Summer is the best time to have a flood as the warm days aid evaporation.

As you can see, one of the scheduled shoots went ahead - others have been re-booked.

It has been an exciting holiday.