Are You Nervous Enough?

It was with great relief that I heard the announcement today that anxiety was to be made a mental health issue. I have never been able to afford full-blown paranoia on my salary and every time I commence a project in hypochondria someone slips me a couple of paracetamol tablets and I get better, damnit.

But now that we have a ...Foundation...employing a... Movie Star... to promote it, I can get Government Money to develop anxiety. This is wonderful - the site has lain dormant for too long. Time to erect an edifice and start advertising. I wonder if there are any buses available for those big stick-on posters.

Here at the shop I will be doing our part to promote anxiety and I think it behooves me to start the ball rolling with several photography questions:

1. Do you have enough megapixels? You know your brother-in-law has more...

2. Where was your camera last night?

3. Did you turn it off when you put it away? Better go home and check to make sure. Tell your supervisor it is an emergency.

4. Is the camera you want going to be superceded in the next ten years? Wouldn't it be better to wait until 2023 just in case there is a new feature - like automatic beer dispenser - on the new model. Okay, the one you have now is broken and the kids are growing up, but you can make now babies in 2023, right?

5. Is that ED or EF? Or AF-S - wait a minute - what does the N mean, and the L? There is a Z on this lens. How did this Z get here? Who put the Z on my lens? Come on, own up. I can wait all day...

6. This USB port on my computer is upside down. Now what do I do? I don't want to have to turn all my pictures over in Photoshop to see them.

7. If we are entering an age where all devices are connected all the time everywhere wirelessly, how can I be sure someone in Bermuda won't delete my family photos from their iPhone just to be mean?

8. Is my screen really calibrated or is the colour meter lying to me? Why would it do that? Why won't you answer me?

Once we have worked our way through these preliminaries, I think we are ready for the really important question:

How can I get my hands on some of that public cash?

If you know, write in. Use secret code No.31A.

Uncle Dick